When you are in love - or believe yourself to be in love - and love walks out the door, you are not only justifiably devastated, but you may be devastated to the point of paralysis, palpitations, pain that can associate with physical nausea, and above all, a sensation of not being able to continue with this deep, bottomless pit that has formed at the center of your being. The yawning Hades, whose blackness spreads before you, is only known by those who have been there.

Just one day before Valentine's Day, this subject seems slightly off-kilter. Valentine's Day (if it's something that is important to you) is about love, not love gone awry. It's for the joyful celebration of two lovers who revel in their love for each other ... well, I guess we shouldn't forget that sometimes it's just about the sex ... so what am I doing writing about unhappy love just hours before the day like the one whose (occasionally nauseous) ads have been beleaguering us for the past fortnight?

The fact that this day of the celebration of love is nearly upon is, is, in actual fact, the reason for this post. On such a day, those whose lives have recently been ripped asunder in the fashion described, those whose love has walked out the door, are particularly vulnerable.

Ideas of some of the things you can do to help yourself back to the road of equanimity, if not inner peace and contentment, or even happiness, follow:

1. As you examine the relationship that has just ended - as most people tend to do ad nauseam, to the point of sorely trying their friends' patience, because of the desire to understand why it ended, or what you did that was wrong, or what you could have done differently - ask yourself what truly positive thing you could learn from this most painful experience. This questioning process that almost always takes place on an inner level can lead you to the beginning of the road to recovery. Perhaps you could learn that this is not the way to allow yourself to be treated. Perhaps the learning has to do with always telling the truth, or always being transparent with your own beliefs, likes, and dislikes, and not hiding them in order to be liked or loved. Perhaps you could learn that simply loving another human being does not guarantee love in return - or at least not everlasting love.
2. Ask yourself if the love you felt for this person who has just abandoned you, was a love that made you feel free, or a love that made you feel anxious and dependent. If it was the latter, ask yourself if you truly think it is a positive thing to feel that way, when you are supposed to be in love and therefore in the best place any of us can be. Is it possible that something so good can make you feel so miserable? I refer to how you felt while the other person was still your partner, was still with you, not how you feel now, that the other person has left. And if you agree that this is not the way one should - ideally - feel when one is in love, then ask yourself what is wrong with your scenario. In other words, why did you feel so anxious and dependent? The answer is quite simple: anxious and dependent love has its roots in neediness, and we are needy when we have not yet begun to love the self. So we love others in the hope (unconscious) of being able to love ourselves as we see the reflection of their love for us in their eyes. I have explained this in greater length in the first of the Related Articles below). Understanding this inner neediness takes you another big step on the road not only to recovery from the painful loss of the relationship, but also to finding yourself.
3. Ask yourself if there is anything in your life that truly gives it meaning. In other words, do you feel a passion for something? Does something that you do, give you a sense of purpose, or mission, or fill you with excitement. If so, a big part of your problem is already solved, because by dedicating yourself to that, you will be able to get over the worst of your feeling of being bereft. Such a sense of purpose and meaning in life is as fundamentally important as breathing. Therefore, if you have no such sense, or if you would like to have it, but don't know what it might be, please read the second article below in order to learn how to implement something like this into your life. Having a sense of purpose and meaning in life canot be stressed highly enough. If you resolve this one, you will have come a long way.
4. Ask yourself how well you know yourself. How comfortable you are with yourself. Because if you do not know yourself, or if you are not comfortable with yourself, you will find great difficulty maintaining a viable and healthy relationship, and you will tend to attract to you partners who are on the same wave-length of not being very aware of themselves. Make an effort to walk down this road a little bit every day, in order to change - to broaden - this aspect of yourself, so that future relationships can be very different. Also read the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth articles below.
5. Ask yourself how much of what is going through your head right now is blame. If you are blaming the other person for how terrible or awful he/she is for doing this to you, after all you did for him/her, please know that this blaming will take you no where. It may very well be true that you have been treated badly, but what must be learned from this is that for some reason you have allowed it. The other person is not in your control, but you are. To begin to walk down this road, read articles 7, 8, and 9 below.
   
   
6. Ask yourself what choices you have today. That's right. What can you choose today to make things better for yourself? Understand that everything you do and think, and that how you act and react is your choice. This is a long topic, there are many things to be said about it, and so I simply want to leave you with this thought: you always have a choice. Even when you are in pain. You can choose how you think about your pain, you can choose to remain immobilized, or you can choose to do something about it, such as, for example, right now, read some of the related articles below, to begin the process of bringing yourself to another level. Not of suppressing the pain, but of beginning to understand how you don't really have to be here, and of implementing some of the tools that will help you leave this place inside of you, to one where the sun shines every day. I encourage you to look at articles 10 - 14 below.

Related Articles:

1. I Need You...I Need You Not. Does Love Imply Needing?
   
2. Finding a Meaning For Your Life
   
3. Tending Your Inner Garden
   
4. Do You Like The Person You Are Alone With?
   
5. The Unexamined Life
   
6. Giving Birth To Yourself
   
7. Choosing To Wallow in Relationship Pain?
   
8. Anonymous Reader and Relationship Woes
   
9. Relationship Pain
   
10. Book Review 2 - Happiness Is A Choice
    
11. The Greatest Quality in Life
    
12. All You Have Is Now
    
13. No One Can Control Your Emotions
    
14. Taking the State of Your Energy into Your Own Hands
    
15. Losing the Connection: You Still Love Each Other, But No Longer Connect
    
16. Your Parents, Your Children, and the Marital Bed
    
17. The Mirror of Relationships
    
18. Transparency in Relationships
    
19. Are You in Love or Do You Love?
    
20. Emotional Unavailability: An Introduction
21. Committed Relationships: Use Them to Grow Towards Understanding and Real Love
    
22. Marriage in the 21st Century: Could Cutting-Edge Spiritual Psychology Make it Viable Again?
    
23. Finding it Hard to Love Yourself? Check Out Your Boundaries

This almost seems old hat. Overdone. Been there, done that.

The topic, I mean. Love yourself first.

But it isn't.

You know why? Because people are still not doing it. Most of us have still not learned that old adage that if we don't love ourselves first, we can't really love anyone else.

Know why?

Because you'll be loving them for all the wrong reasons. Oh, you might believe that you love them, and in some fashion you do, but for all the wrong reasons.

Here are some of them:

• I'm so happy when I'm with him/her 
• He/she makes me feel so good
• I need him/her so much! (in this instance, the person actually believes that needing someone is proof that they love them) Whew!
• I feel so secure when I'm with him/her
• I've never felt like this before ... only he/she can give me this feeling
• When we're not together, I feel so lost
• When we're not together, I feel like a part of me is missing
• When we're not together, I just don't really enjoy doing things

Are you beginning to get my drift? All of the above indicate someone who is in love due to something he/she is getting from the beloved. That is the reason they are in love. Obviously this is not a conscious - almost mercenary - process. It happens. We realize we feel better around the beloved. We begin to define why we feel better around that person. Hence statements such as the above. And then - presto - we believe we are in love.

All is not lost, however. In other words, if you are still with me, this doesn't mean you now should give up your relationship in order to find yourself and discover how to love yourself first.

But it does mean, that now you should begin to realize that these reasons that make you believe you are in love are in fact pointing to the bits of you that you have not yet filled for yourself. So you go looking to fulfill them through another.

By beginning to fill them yourself, you begin the process of self love and self respect and self esteem and self acknowledgement. This is not selfishness or egotistical behavior.

Doing this, waking up about yourself, will lead you to a place where - when you then love - you will love as you were never able to as long as you needed the other for the fulfillment of your own needs.
 

Related articles:

• The Chemistry of Love
• The Mirror of Relationships
• The Hard Task of Forgiving
• Five Things You Should Not Expect to Get From Your Relationships (Unless You Already Supply All of Them For Yourself)
• Five Things Relationships Are Good For
• Compassionate Detachment
• The Gift From Those To Whom We Are Attracted
• Being Faithful
• Marriage in the 21st Century: Could Cutting-Edge Spiritual Psychology Make it Viable Again?
• Finding it Hard to Love Yourself? Check Out Your Boundaries
• Are You "In Love" or Do You Love?
• Compassion: Only For the Hungry, or Also for Those Who Hurt You?
• Your Parents, Your Children, and the Marital Bed
• Fatherless Women: What Happens to the Adult Woman Who Was Raised Without Her Father?
• When Love Walks Out the Door: Six Tips For Intelligent Survival

This is so simple. Simple to tell, I mean...not so simple to put into practice.

The absolutely best way of giving to others, is by feeling good, by being happy...or at least by being in a state of general contentment. By being consciously happy. By consistently ensuring yourself that you keep pulling yourself back to a good state of being, rather than staying in a place inside of you that is angry, impatient, jealous, frustrated, stressed, etc.

It does not mean that you don't feel those negative feelings anymore, but it does mean that you take care of them as they occur, in the same way you would take care of a cut on your finger, or a break to your leg.

It means always making sure that you know how (and if you don't, you find out how...see articles listed below) to make yourself be able to be in that good state of being, in that content state of being, in that satisfied state of being, where you are the utmost you can be at this particular moment in time, so that you can be in such a good place to be able to give to others.

I often tell my clients that before they can give to others they have to give to themselves, and - lest they think I am condoning selfishness - the analogy I use is of the safety procedure in airplanes. Prior to take-off, the purser will demonstrate the proper use of life jackets and will tell you that if there were to be a decrease in pressure, an air mask would drop down in front of each passenger. They say before you adjust your children's air mask, put your own on... Obviously. If you put on your children's masks first, you may have already passed out from lack of oxygen, and then who will revive you, so that you can continue to care for them?

My topic today is similar because you will be of so much more use to everyone you touch in your life, if you have already taken care of yourself.

What this really comes down to, is the state of your energy. If you become aware of how much this is your own, personal, inner, private tool that lets you know when you are not on the right track, you will begin to use it (the way you feel) as an immediate sign (if your energetic frequency is not optimal) that you need to be doing something to shift your energy.

The more you do this, the more you recognize how much it is in your own hands, the more you will be charging your life with satisfaction, good feelings, and happiness no matter what the outer circumstances.

It is from that kind of an inner place that you are in the best position to give to others. So simple.

See also:
Create a New LIfe: One Intention At A Time
Entering the Now Moment By Leaving Unawareness Behind
Gratitude, Choice, and the "Why Did This Happen To Me? Syndrome
Grow in Richness: Stop the Blaming
Happiness: Has it Become a Science or is it a Question of Luck?
Intentional Focus: Your Happiness, Your Success, and the Law of Attraction
Living in the Now: Use it to Enrich Your Life
Making Choices: Taking Responsibility For Our Lives
Nurture Yourself to Happiness and Success
Tending Your Inner Garden
The Energy Barometer: Make Your Mind Body Connection Work For You
The Puritan Work Ethic, Wu-Wei, and is Life Really Meant to be a Struggle?

Water in dreams is often described as being a symbol of the unconscious or subconscious mind.

At that level, if we find ourselves in water, swimming, floundering, drowning, trying to reach an unattainable shore, mingling with an assorted selection of other creatures, such as snakes, dragons, whales, dolphins, etc., we could well assume that the dream is telling us something about the state of our unconscious mind.

Something is happening at a level we are not conscious of, that the dream is attempting to help us become aware of it.

So the first thing you might do, after having had such a dream, is to tell yourself that the dream indicates that something from another level of awareness is trying to pass over to the conscious level. Just knowing and accepting this as a possibility could mean that you begin to understand what the dream is about.

Let's say you have just begun therapy. Or perhaps you have started dating someone who delves deeply into you. Or you have made a new friend who has caused you to think about matters you had long shelved in a dusty closet. The water dream could be indicating that the matters you are considering in therapy, or in the relationship, or in the friendship, are matters that are causing you to swim in this water.

Is the water murky? Are you afraid while you are in it? Or is it a pleasurable swim? Do you fear what might be lurking under your feet (remember Jaws?). Or is the water translucent and warm as a Caribbean sea?

The fact that you are trying to reach the other shore, but seem to be having great difficulty doing so, might symbolize that you will need to find some kind of support system while you undergo the situation in which you are currently find yourself in real life.

Water - and the unconscious mind - are not only places of danger, but also places of growth and abundance. A dream of this nature should help you think about what is going on below the obvious levels and perhaps come to a greater understanding of yourself.

Previous posts in this series are:

Dream Symbols 1: Pregnancy and Birth
Dream Symbols 2: Death
Dream Symbols 3: The Snake
Dream Symbols 4: The Butterfly
Dream Symbols 5: Flying
Dream Symbols 6: The House Part 1
Dream Symbols 7: The House Part 2: The Kitchen
Dream Symbols 8: The House Part 3: The Bathroom
Dream Symbols 9: The House Part 4: The Bedroom
Dream Symbols 10: Marriage
Dream Symbols 11: The Spider
Dream Symbols 12: Sex
Dream Symbols 13: Exams
Dream Symbols 14: Murder

You may also be interested in viewing some of the recommended dream books and books on symbolism on my website, as well as some of the dream links on my links page.

Andropause, a topic I've spoken of frequently on my radio show and posted about  in the past, continues to be a topic far too many men and women still know very little of. Partially because if menopause used to be (and still is to some extent) the big taboo, andropause - or at least what it implies, i.e., the waning of male sexuality some time in the 50´s, occasionally even earlier, but definitely in the 60's - is an even greater taboo, at least for many people, simply because most men are unwilling to be the one to say that this is affecting them, as long as other men aren't saying the same thing.

While menopause implies the loss of fertility and brings on a host of physiological and psychological symptoms, andropause implies the loss of virility, or rather, the loss of strong, easy sexuality, creating an enormous amount of tension, stress, insecurity, and fear in men, and also brings on a host of physiological and psychological symptoms.

I have posted several articles about bio-identical hormones and conscious aging in order to circumvent false notions and also to help readers understand that much can be done.

While women generally are not interested in continuing to bear children after menopause, they are nevertheless interested in continuing to feel good, vital, and full of energy, and to have richly fulfilled sex lives, and while men may continue to father children after andropause, often pointing to that as proof of their virility, they are, in fact, much more interested in reviving their frequently fading libido, in continuing to feel good, vital, and full of energy, and to have richly fulfilled sex lives.

In essence, both want something highly similar.

I have decided to post four current press articles today, that address the issue of andropause, and particularly the fact that most men are still unaware of it, what it really means, and what can be done about it.

Men often dismiss symptoms of andropause
Andropause is the male version of menopause. It occurs when there's a major drop in hormones, which wreaks havoc on a man's health, but there are some easy, effective ways to treat it.

Bobby Huerta, 43, knew something was wrong when he began to feel increasingly tired and grumpy.

"I was like a little old man. Cranky sometimes, and the fatigue was incredible," Huerta said. "I'd wake up in the morning feeling OK, but by noon, I was just worn out." read more

Men Can Suffer Own Form Of Menopause
A 44-year-old South Florida professional thought some symptoms were just signs of middle age."I was feeling fatigue and depression, especially in the afternoons," the person says. "By 8 p.m., I couldn't get off the couch. But when it was time to sleep, I couldn't."
A 40-something woman seeking medical help for those symptoms would most likely be told she was going through menopause. But in this case, the patient was Fred Thompson, an otherwise healthy man who wasn't quite sure what was going on.

"I thought maybe it was depression, but I didn't want to just start taking antidepressants," Thompson says. After seeking medical evaluation, he was diagnosed with andropause, also known as the male menopause. read more

They put the men in men-opause
It was Freud who said men have an Oedipus complex and women envy a certain male organ. The description of one who overly loves his mother comes from the Greek myth of the young man who unknowingly killed his father and married his mother. But what if the myth were missing the message and the headlines revealed the following instead?
"There is breaking news out of Greece today. According to mythical sources, Oedipus, the Greek king of Thebes who was once convicted and sentenced to life with a complex of overloving his mother, has come forth with a motive for killing his father and then marrying his mother.

Apparently, he was just trying to borrow her hormone replacement patch. Doctors close to the family say King Oedipus has been struggling with an insufferable hormonal imbalance, a condition called andropause, commonly known as male menopause."

Modern male jettisons his Freudian taleFreud would be fuming to find his mythical King Oedipus testosterone-deficient and organ envy turned hormone replacement envy. It seems men have watched from the sidelines long enough as their female counterparts run by in droves for hormone replacement injections, gels, patches and pills, all promising to perk up what Mother Nature has profoundly pruned.

In fact, 25 million American men between 40 and 55 are experiencing some degree of male menopause, according to Male Menopause by California psychotherapist Jed Diamond. In his book, Diamond explains that male menopause, scientifically known as andropause, is characterized by a loss of testosterone (the hormone that makes men ... men), resulting in a type of "reverse puberty." As if men weren't immature enough! read more

ABC 4 Investigation: Male Moodiness
Ask any man whether they get as moody as women and you'll likely get the same answer, absolutely not. And if they do get moody, it's the women that make them so. When women feel stressed they may blame a lot of things, work, the kids, or the messy house. But what may cause a man to be moody may actually be the same problem in many women, hormones.

You see them in the movies and most women probably say they've seen it in real life too: moody men. Mike Brown is a personal trainer. If anyone should be feeling well he ought to. He works out daily and eats a healthy, well balanced diet. But he wasn't able to make it through the day without a nap. He'd get grumpy, tired and irritable. Mike Brown says, "The biggest frustration with me was just the constant fatigue, the waves of fatigue I would get throughout the day, pretty much daily." Mike kept visiting doctors to find out what was wrong but everything checked out okay. Brown says, "I just thought that was part of life.

You work hard. You work your shift. You work hard. You go home in the middle of the day and you take a little nap so you can keep going. I just thought everybody had to do that."
Finally he saw Dr. Robert Jones who knew exactly what the matter was. It's something many men begin to suffer once they pass the age of 35 or 40. Dr. Jones says, "we refer to it as andropause. That's like menopause in women. It's andropause in men." read more

Starting today, and about once a week for the foreseeable future, I’ll be publishing a post about dream symbols. If you are interested in good dream books, please visit my website http://advancedpersonaltherapy.com/ and go to Recommended Books. Once there, click on Dream Books or Symbolism Books, in order to see a good reference list. If you have any questions about the books, email me. You may also listen to a number of audio files from my weekly radio program about dream interpretation and dream symbolism.

Pregnancy or gestation in a dream tends to symbolize the process of something coming into being in the dreamer. The pregnancy could potentially happen to a dreaming male, or a dreaming female, because the symbolism is not that of a biological fetus, but that of something that the dreamer is gestating on another level.

So if the dreamer is pregnant in the dream, potentially whatever it is that is coming into being, is not yet “ready to be born”, i.e. it still needs some work. Thanks to this kind of dream, the dreamer may recognize that some project that he or she is working on might still need some fine-tuning before launching it.

Conversely, the dreamer may only come to realize, thanks to the dream that something is indeed gestating. Sometimes we are so busy “doing”, that we don’t see the big picture, and this kind of dream may help us become aware of that, and consequently we can continue the project in a much more conscious fashion until it is ready to be launched (born).

If the dreamer has an abortion in the dream, or goes to the clinic where the abortion is about to take place, and the dream ends just before the actual abortion, it may signify that the dreamer is on the verge of destroying the project, or whatever it is that he or she is bringing into being. Hence it may be of importance for the dreamer (in real life) to consider what it is that is threatening to come to an end in his or her life, in order to decide whether it is perhaps worth keeping.

If the dreamer gives birth in the dream the symbolism points to something that is actually just coming to life in his or her reality. Perhaps the new born baby in the dream is frail and weak – clearly the project needs careful tending for it to prosper. Perhaps the new born baby cries a great deal, or is robust and joyous…in both instances the symbolism translated to that which has just come into being in the dreamer’s life is clear.

Sometimes the dreamer has adopted a child in the dream that is already some months or even years old. Here the symbolism deals more with a project that the dreamer has taken on once it was already launched, rather than one that he or she actually gestated. It may require another kind of care than one that was gestated by the dreamer.

Dreams of pregnancy and birth are often transformative dreams, in the sense that something of importance is happening in the life of the dreamer, and that this needs to be paid careful attention to. Dreams of this nature may signify moments in the life of the dreamer that offer great hope for the future precisely because of what is gestating or being born.

 

Your Energy Barometer: Make the Mind-Body Connection Work

 

Gabriella Kortsch, Ph.D.

 

Ever wake up in the morning feeling blah? Ever wake up wanting to pull the covers back up and stay there until tomorrow? Even when you have spent the major portion of your life living in what many would consider one tropical paradise after another, as I have, there are still mornings a person can wake up and ask: "Is this all there is?" Or: "How can I face this day ahead of me?" Or: "What? Another shabby day in Paradise?" 

Right. Been there. Done that. We all know the feeling. So what's the point?

It's in Your Hands

The point is that the capacity to change this feeling on a day-by-day basis is literally in your hands, and what's more, once you start, and once you see what a difference you can make to how you feel during the rest of the day, you begin to realize the immense power inside of you to determine the state of your being.

Energy Psychology

Although this article is not about energy psychology in the strictest sense of the word, I will be using a concept borrowed from it. SUD's or Subjective Units of Distress is a term coined to describe the subjective assessment of an individual's current state of being. So when you first wake up and feel blah, ask yourself, on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the lowest, or worst, and 10 the best, or highest, where your state of being lies. In other words, what is the reading on your energy barometer? How do you know? Simply answer with the number that immediately comes up. In other words, let your subconscious answer, rather than your conscious mind, and that means allowing the number that you immediately think of to be the answer. So let's assume that number is four. Just keep that on the back burner for a moment.

Taking Stock of Your Body

So the first thing you can do, after you have taken the subjective assessment, is to take stock of your body. Ask yourself where in your body you feel anything that may be causing distress or disharmony. I am not referring to physical pain, but to those things that are the body's language to let us know that something is not in perfect running order in our world. For example, do you have butterflies in your stomach (solar plexus, adrenal glands, third chakra)? Or is your solar plexus tight and hard with tension? Are you slightly nauseous? Perhaps you have a lump in your throat (thyroid gland, fifth chakra), have a sore throat, are suffering from chronic laryngitis, or must clear your throat frequently before you speak. Perhaps your heart (thymus gland, fourth chakra) hurts, or feels constricted and tight...I mean a real, physically felt pain or constriction, which happens to some people when their feelings have been harshly trampled on. Or perhaps your breathing (lungs, fourth chakra) is shallow, or fast, or restricted because of some felt nervousness, tension, or fear. All of this should only take a few seconds.

Take Stock of Your Emotional State

Next, take stock of your feelings. Has something been making you feel sad, worried, angry, jealous, heart-broken, frustrated, or anything else that you might classify negatively? Again, this should only take a few seconds.

Take Stock of Your Negative Self-Talk

Next, quickly scan your mind for negative self-talk that has been going on lately. What are you telling yourself that might somehow be influencing the body and emotional conditions you have just looked at? Note that I am not asking you to do anything about any of these states, I merely ask that you take note. And once again, this should only take a few seconds.

Connect!

Okay, so now you know that on a scale of 1-10 you feel you are at 4, and you know where your body, your emotions, and your mind are at, at least right now, on this particular morning, another shabby day, as we said earlier, in paradise.

So what do you do to quickly raise that number in order to feel better? I don't mean raise it to a whopping 10 right here and now, but to raise it enough for you to feel the difference, so that in future you will feel powerful rather than impotent when it comes to how you feel when you first wake up.

1. You know the value of physical exercise, right? I'm not referring to its merits from the weight-loss point of view, but because exercise increases the flow of serotonin to the brain (mood neurotransmitters that increase flexibility and happiness), and raises the levels of endorphins (the body's natural opiates). In other words, exercise makes you feel better. I know, I know - it's hard to exercise before work. So how about doing a 20-minute routine that you learn from a DVD but then follow along on your own after a while without the DVD? (I'll tell you the importance of doing it on your own in a minute). Have to get up a bit earlier to do it? Give it a try...it might just be the most valuable 20 minutes you have during your whole day, among other things, because it will help to positively set your day for you.

1. So why do I want you to be able to follow an exercise routine of some kind without the DVD? (Or do a power walk, or go swimming, or cycling, etc.) I need you to be able to concentrate on something else. And that something else could be an open-eyed meditation (be in the "now" as you exercise, enjoying all your sensations, enjoying your surroundings, going with the flow, and allowing whatever wants to come up). Some people find their most creative moments take place in these open-eyed meditations. Or, you could start a gratitude journal. Do it in your head, because it's kind of hard to write while you are swimming, or stretching, right? Simply think of five different things every day for which you are grateful. Perhaps the fact that the sky is so blue. Or because you have gorgeous eyes. Or because a butterfly just flew across your path. Or because you smell the freshness of a spring morning, a baby's pure scent, or freshly baked bread. Realize how many wonderful things there are in your life for which you can feel grateful, and take stock of them every morning, five at a time.

1. OK, so you can't do the physical exercise in the morning. It just doesn't fit into your life. Do it later, but what can you do in the morning? Do the gratitude journal anyway. On paper. Do it conscientiously. Happiness researchers at Harvard, Cornell, Stanford, and other prestigious institutions have demonstrated that this exercise alone does more to raise people's level of happiness than anything else, including wealth and success.

1. What else? Something easy that can take place in the hectic mornings of our hectic society. From today on, make a point of collecting "feel good" music. By this I mean such music that actually brings you joy (sometimes even tears of joy) when you listen to it. Nothing nostalgic, please. You don't want to be remembering when your last love discarded you for a shinier up-date. And this "feel good" music should be so good that you can literally feel how it raises your energy barometer. It might be a Greek Aria by Yanni, or Porcelain by Moby, or Bach's Ave Maria, or Glorianna by Vangelis, or La Doña by the Gypsy Kings, or anything at all. Only you can know which songs speak to you. So once you have these songs, even if it is only a few, burn them on a CD, and listen to them in the mornings as you get ready to leave the house if you need to raise your energy.

1. Certain passages in books, quotations you may have collected over time, some poetry, essays by a favorite author, all or any of these are also important to have on hand in an easily accessible place for you to look at, even if only for 5 minutes, in this early morning process of raising your energy barometer.

1. There are numerous other techniques. But these should get you going.

Empower Yourself

Now assuming you have done at least some of the things I have suggested herein, measure your SUD's again. Remember - don't think about it. It's not meant to be a logical answer based on statistics. It is meant to come from inside of you instinctively (read the article I wrote in my May 2006 Newsletter about the second and third brains neuroscientists have discovered in our gut and heart, if you think your instinct is of no importance). What number are you at now? Perhaps a 5.5 or a 6? Not a huge change, but nevertheless, a change. And YOU DID IT. Just by changing some of what you do and how you do it. Realize that it was not necessary to remain at the lower energetic level you were at. It was possible to make a better day for yourself.

Next, I would ask that you run that scan over yourself again - your body, your emotions, your mind. What has changed? Perhaps the tight knot in your solar plexus has eased, perhaps the messages you send yourself now contain more positive than self-sabotaging thoughts, or perhaps you are breathing with greater freedom. Again. YOU DID IT.

So if you have been able to increase your feeling of well-being from 4 to 5.5 or 6 on a scale of 1-10, does that not imply you can do it on a greater scale if you try? Does it not imply that it is up to you whether or not you are going to have a good day? Does it not imply that when you wake up feeling blah, it is in your hands to do something about it? Does it not imply that you are not impotent in the face of however it is you feel? And therefore, does it not imply that the power is in your own hands, and not out there somewhere? So what are you waiting for? Go and grab some of that power for yourself from inside of you, and make a difference in your life, and by the ripple effect, in the lives of others.

Also check out my other blog http://psychologytransformationfreedompapers.blogspot.com/ or my website http://advancedpersonaltherapy.com for further articles on these and similar subjects.

 

Finding a Meaning for Your Life: A Major Step Towards Finding Personal Freedom

 

by

 

Gabriella Kortsch, Ph.D.

Arrogant pompousness? What is this finding a meaning for your life? Does it signify going out and being an ambassador for UNICEF like Angelina Jolie? Or working on behalf of starving children in places like Dafur as Michael Douglas or George Clooney do? Or maybe it means volunteering in a soup kitchen in the inner city on your home turf, or reading to elderly bed-ridden residents of hospices or old-age homes.

Is It Your Job?

Others may think that finding a meaning for your life signifies having a job that gives you a sense of self-actualization; working at something that truly fulfills you.  The problem is: what if you have a job you hate but are unable to change for the time being...or what if you are retired? Or maybe you are independently wealthy and don't need to work. While making money is clearly an undeniable necessity of life for most, the mere fact of having a job itself, does not mean you have a meaning in your life.

Intrinsic Satisfaction

In reality, it actually means none of that...or, it can be connected to any or all of the above. A meaning for your life is much more connected to whatever it is that gives you intrinsic satisfaction than to be doing community services, or charity work, or something that is destined for the good of others, or having a specific job that truly fulfills you. Furthermore, ultimately what gives meaning to your life will often lead you towards doing something that benefits another or others, simply because having something that gives meaning to your life, makes you see your life in very different terms than NOT having something that gives you meaning. What gives meaning to your life is something that does not essentially require others for it to work, or for you to do it - more about this very important point later.

Betty Friedan's Message - Only for Women?

It was the recent demise of Betty Friedan that caused me to think about this subject. Both in her famous The Feminine Mystique, as well as in her much later The Fountain of Age, she states unequivocally that with no meaning in one's life, life holds little purpose, promise, satisfaction and contentment. While it is true that her books were mainly written for women, since Friedan was one of the pillars of the North American women's rights movement in the 20^th century, the fact that a meaning in one's life is as necessary for men as it is for women, is undeniable. Friedan spoke out on behalf of women, urging them to find this meaning, because in her time it was felt that men, with their early socialization to have a profession and work throughout their lives in order to care for their families, already were well on the road to finding that meaning.

But it really is not necessarily the job. Consider how many people are locked in position career-wise, and are dreadfully unhappy, bored, or unfulfilled. Perhaps they chose badly, perhaps the necessity of the moment forced their hand, or perhaps they had no other choice due to any number of circumstances.

Why is it so Important?

Clearly, if I did not share Friedan's belief in the paramount importance for everyone to have a meaning for their life, this article would never have been written. Being connected to something that you do on a daily, or frequent basis, can make a fundamental difference in the life of the person who feels this connection, as compared to the individuals who do not.

Why?

Simple initial answer: because it only depends on you, and not on others. Your interest in it emanates from you because it is something that means something to you. Ideally, you can do it without necessarily relying on others to share, agree, or otherwise interact with you.

More complicated answer: because it gives a core stability to your life even when all else is falling apart. So it allows you to go on despite other, outer circumstances. It gives you something to hold on to even when other events in your life might cause another person to feel at times that he/she has no idea how to continue. That sounds almost miraculous, doesn't it? Can such a connection to what you love to do, and what gives meaning to your life make such a difference to the quality of your inner stability and hence, independence? It can...I can only encourage you to try it.

How Can You Find This Elusive "Meaning" For Your Life?

Finding a meaning for your life however, is not necessarily easy. Especially if you have lived a good portion of your life doing something, or dedicating a major component of your time to something that does not truly satisfy or fulfill you. Where - how do you find this elusive meaning? Is it too late?

In the conferences, workshops, and talks I hold, most people respond well to the following suggestions:

• 1) First, try to remember the sense of adventure you felt when you were in the throes of puberty. At that time you probably felt the entire world could still open up at your feet, and there were some things that you really wanted to do. Dust those ideas off, even if you wanted to be a rock musician at 13 and now you are 64, and see how you can incorporate some of that into your present life. Perhaps you can take up playing the guitar, perhaps you can write a biography of a world-renowned group, it is only your imagination that will limit you in how you might give this desire of yours from decades ago some life in order to give your life some meaning now.

• 2) Second, take a look at Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's wonderful little book "Finding Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience" that I also mentioned in the feature article of my January 2006 Newsletter. In it he explains how the experience of flow, literally being so involved in something that time seems to stand still for as long as you are occupied with whatever the activity is, can help you discover what it is that gives meaning to your life. In other words, if you can think back over your life and discern when you experienced this sensation of flow, you will be several important steps closer to knowing what it is that gives meaning to your life. At the risk of sounding facetious - please don't choose sex as your activity. Wonderful and thrilling as it can be, for reasons too numerous to go into here, sex simply is not an activity that "flows" in the sense of giving a meaning to your life.

• 3) Third, pay very close attention to all the messages your body is sending you. Does your breath quicken when National Geographic announces that a documentary about Egyptian pyramids will be airing at 8 pm? Do you sit with bated breath as you listen to the introduction? Does your heart start beating overtime when you hear that bridge classes will be available in your neighbourhood at a time amenable with your schedule? Do you feel flushed when you listen to your neighbour at the dinner party discussing horse-breeding? Do you feel excitement flooding your veins when you contemplate sitting down in front of your computer, your piano, your digital film editor? Guess what? Your body is giving you a discernable clue to what it is that might give meaning to your life. So how would you incorporate that into your daily life? Good question. It would depend a great deal on what you are currently doing, your finances, your time, etc., but the mere deliberating about the subject, and creatively trying to find a place for it in your life, should already do a lot for your endorphins, not to mention the joy with which you get up in your mornings. Check out my other blog http://psychologytransformationfreedompapers.blogspot.com/ or my website

Begin to Move in the Right Direction

These suggestions can help to get you moving in the right direction. If your life has a meaning, a true meaning that gives you the sense of intrinsic satisfaction and fulfillment that is loosely independent of other human beings, you will have found one of the pillars of inner freedom that I so fervently attempt to promote in these articles. I wish you much joy in finding your own meaning, and much satisfaction in implementing it, whatever it may be.

Remember This

 

Remember: if your finances are threatening to turn into daytime nightmares, if the relationship with your partner is free-falling off a steep precipice, if your job is wavering and no longer secure, if you are in emotional pain of any kind, having something in your life that gives it a meaning, will allow you to hold on to this strong, stable inner core, while you work on resolving the other issues. It will allow you to move on ahead with much less of the usual doubt, fear, and trepidation. All it takes is some decision, determination, and tenacity on your part to find this meaning for your life. Begin with the three steps suggested in this article. Do this for yourself! Also check out my other blog http://psychologytransformationfreedompapers.blogspot.com/ or my website http://advancedpersonaltherapy.com for more articles on similar subjects.